It’s the conversation no school leader ever wants to have, but many principals and senior leaders at some point find themselves sitting alongside parents who have just lost a child.
In my difficult conversations workshops, I stress the importance of using what I wrote about in Term 2 called the three Rs message. This is great for those conversations where high emotion, high stakes, and disagreement are present. The first R is regret, acknowledging the pain or disappointment someone is experiencing, even if you don’t agree with their view. The second R is response, covering what action or support may follow. The last R, reassurance is about allaying fears and working towards a shared goal.
But bereavement conversations are quite different and don’t always involve a disagreement. In such conversations, the three Rs become two. There is regret. There is response. But there is no reassurance.
That can feel uncomfortable because your instinct as a school leader is likely to try to make things better.
Comments like those above are well intentioned, but they offer reassurance where none exists. Worse still, they can sound like an attempt to explain away the unimaginable.
What grieving parents need most isn’t reassurance. They need empathy and support. They need regret and response.
Another important point here is that school leaders don’t need to fill every silence. Some of the most powerful moments come after a pause.
We often think we need to find the perfect words, but there are no perfect words. Being there matters more than being eloquent. It’s far better to say, “I’m so sorry,” and pause until they react. Often the less you say, the more impactful it is. It’s unlikely they’ll remember your conversation, but they will remember how you made them feel. Sticking to simple regret and response points while actively listening and empathetically responding is a helpful guide to follow.
Sometimes there will be another challenge. If the death was after some school-related tragedy, parents will understandably want immediate answers. Principals can expect urgent demands to know exactly what has happened, whether the event could have been prevented, and who is responsible.
School leaders can feel enormous pressure to provide certainty immediately. But trying to fill gaps with assumptions or premature explanations risks creating misinformation and damaging trust later.
Honesty matters.
Short statements like those above may feel inadequate, but they are a sign of honesty and integrity. People can cope with painful truths. What they struggle with is uncertainty disguised as certainty. That’s why, in the most heart-breaking conversations a school leader will ever have, the answer isn’t more words. It’s giving one of those honest answers before returning to the two Rs. Show empathy, offer support, and pause. Less is more.
Pete Burdon has worked with hundreds of school leaders across New Zealand over the last 15 years. He helps school leaders master difficult conversations, handle tough media interviews, and communicate confidently in crises. You can learn more about Pete and his services at www.mediatrainingnz.co.nz