In my opinion one of the skills that elevate principalship from a job into an art form is the ability to bravely and skilfully tackle difficult conversations. It is a rare week in the world of school leadership when there isn’t at least one difficult conversation on our to do list – on Monday I had 3 – it is now Wednesday and I still have one to go. I have bumped into the teacher concerned twice in the corridor already and failed to take the opportunity – telling myself the time isn’t right – yet the conversation is ready to go . . . So why do we avoid difficult conversations? Well firstly because it’s easier obviously but apparently, according to Mike Robbins, it’s also cultural; “We live in a culture of blame and avoidance. It’s much easier and frankly more socially acceptable to blame others when something happens we don’t like or to simply avoid dealing with a conflict or difficult situation. Most of us weren’t taught in school, at home, or as we’ve moved into our adult lives how to effectively deal with conflict in a healthy and productive way so we aren’t all that well equipped to address it.” Success in difficult conversations undoubtedly improves with practice – however I know plenty of people who have lots of practice at having such conversations but don’t get any better at it so there is certainly a skill set involved and yet it is very rare that we give our school leaders any training in this area. Some years ago I was spending a lot of time fielding complaints from parents about a senior leader who they felt just wasn’t listening to them. He was a really intelligent, thoughtful, competent leader and it wasn’t the things he said that were the problem. His problem began before he opened his mouth to speak. His first instinct when hearing or delivering a difficult message was to fold his arms and adopt a frown of concentration – thus he was his own worst enemy. Working with him to adopt an open, relaxed posture was not without resistance, “I am relaxed Helen . . . ” he would say through clenched teeth over his tightly folded arms. When his posture and non-verbal messages changed so did the reactions of his listeners. Professional development opportunities in this area are not common so when Colleen Douglas at Massey circulated details of Jennifer Abrams’ workshop entitled Are you putting off that hard conversation? I didn’t hesitate. In her workshop and her book entitled Having Hard Conversations, Jennifer advocates planning a hard conversation just as you would a lesson. She sets out a template with 6 elements: Setting the tone; naming the issue; giving specific examples; describing the impact; making a specific request for action and finishing by indicating a wish to dialogue. Since the workshop I have used her template every time I have had to think through a hard conversation and found that it helps to remove the emotion from the thought process and as a result some of the procrastination from the situation. I
have also modelled the process when supporting other staff to plan a difficult conversation and found it a great way to mentor others. Just having the book on my desk for the past fortnight has started conversations with lots of people about how tackling tough subjects is a skill we can work on. Jennifer is based in the States but I have heard she is making a return trip . . . However well planned the conversation, there are – of course! – even more challenges when communicating with young people. Apparently the adolescent brain deciphers emotional expressions differently from an adult brain. When having difficult conversations with my son (or just the ordinary ones where I go through the checklist of all the things he should have done by the time we leave the house for school!) he frequently asks me why I’m angry – which even on a good day has the unique effect of transforming my previously zen-like meditative state into one of at least minor frustration. I discovered Dr. Yurgelun-Todd’s research after Googling, why does my teenager always think I’m angry? It was with relief that I discovered his research findings, “Adults were able to correctly identify different emotional states in pictures, but the results were different with teens. Adolescents often mistook fear or surprise for anger. Teens and adults use different parts of their brain when they read emotions in others. While adults rely on the prefrontal cortex, teens rely on the amygdala. The amygdala is the seat of fear and anger. This helps explain why teens often see anger in the faces of people when anger is not there.” I have shown my son this research – he seemed somewhat sceptical but I think I also detected mild relief. Apparently it helps to explain emotions in words to teens, I’m thinking along the lines of, “Morning son, I am trying to give you more freedom
and independence by allowing you to organise yourself in the mornings. I am looking at your unbrushed teeth and your PJ’s in surprise – yes this is my surprised face – since we are leaving for school in 2 minutes you will shortly have the opportunity to experience my angry face . . . ” There are however some subjects that are downright difficult however well we prepare. Youth suicide is definitely one of these. Having worked with colleagues through the challenge of coping with the aftermath of a young person’s suicide, I went to listen to Mike King speak on the Massey Campus recently. He spoke as part of his work as the founder of The Key to Life Trust, which aims to reverse the population trends of depression and suicide by effecting social change. Having only ever heard him in a stand up comedy context I was unsure of what to expect. He was honest and forthright – mostly about our need to reflect on our effectiveness in tackling the difficult subjects as parents, mentors and leaders of young people. He talked about the challenges of developing resilience in a generation we often don’t understand well. He spoke about how we react when a young person opens up and admits to feeling vulnerable, depressed and perhaps suicidal. Like John Kirwan he challenged the culture many of us were raised in which responded mockingly and suggested taking a concrete pill and hardening up. Then he spoke about how we react when the young person opening up is our son or daughter – and this really hit home – he said that he often feels that as parents we react with more empathy to other people’s children than we do to our own. Because as parents we feel that our children represent us in the world – if they are suffering, if they lack resilience, if they admit defeat this
is a reflection on us – on our parenting and on our whānau – so we seek to push the admission away, to minimise and to reject it. I have seen this in parents struggling to come to terms with their child’s mental health or behavioural difficulties and if I’m honest I see it in my own parenting and perhaps in my own school leadership. New Zealand’s suicide statistics tell us we have work to do in developing resilience and wellbeing in our students and this starts from the time children begin to meet their first challenges and many of these will be in our schools. When we begin work on our charter for 2016 (yes, unbelievably it’s that time again) I believe we must resist the minimalist view that the ministry are only interested in targets that relate to National Standards and NCEA and begin to talk to our staff and think about how we will set a wellbeing target with an action plan that will positively impact on the wellbeing and resilience of all our students and particularly those who are most vulnerable. References Why Teens Misinterpret Parent’s Emotional State as Anger http:// www.theveasygroup.com/pastwork/sfa/school/parentingteens/ parentingteens031506.pdf http://mike-robbins.com/are-you-avoiding-a-difficult-conversation/ Having Hard Conversations, Jennifer Abrams (2009)
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