Let’s say your new ERO report is generally positive, but it includes a line like: “Inconsistent teaching quality across classes.” Colour coding aside, that’s enough to worry a parent and, as you well know, some will make an appointment to see you about it. Others will just arrive unannounced.
With recent changes to ERO reports intended to make them clearer and easier for parents to understand, these conversations are becoming more common, and more topical. Parents are more likely to pick up on specific phrases like “inconsistent teaching” or “unmet expectations” and want to talk about what they mean for their child.
A parent might come in and say: “I’ve read the report. It says teaching isn’t consistent. How do I know my child isn’t in one of the weaker classes?”
Now you’re in a high-stakes conversation. Most leaders, understandably, go straight to explaining and defending. They talk about the context, how everything else is fine, and the steps they are taking to address teaching consistency. But how you start that conversation can matter more than what you say later.
A simple way to handle these conversations is with my 3 Rs message: Regret, Response, Reassurance.
1. Regret (Empathy)
It’s vital to start by acknowledging their concerns. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with them, but they need to know you understand. In this situation, it might be something as simple as, “I can see why that line would worry you,” or even, “I can see how concerning this is to you.”
In my workshops, one of the most common mistakes I see is people skipping this step and going straight to defending or explaining. When that happens, the parent often feels brushed off, possibly patronised, and is likely to move into fight or flight mode.
This automatic move to defending also puts you on the backfoot. You are now the accused on trial and the parent is in control as the prosecutor; you must prove your innocence against the allegations. It now becomes a debate with a winner and a loser rather than focused on clarification and the best outcome.
2. Response (What’s actually going on)
Showing that you care and proving that you’ve listened and understood will alleviate tension and calm the parent down. Then, you can explain what’s going on. Possibly something like this: “What the report is saying is that there’s some variation between classes. Overall, the teaching is strong, and we’re working on making it more consistent across the school.” Keep this brief, accurate, and action-focused.
3. Reassurance (Shared goal)
Once you’ve said what is actually going on, you can then reframe the conversation by focusing on your shared goal, which in most situations would be the education of the parent’s child. Something like: “What matters most is that your child is getting the support they need to do well – and that’s our focus as much as yours.”
You can get more specific from there, as you now have a shared sense of understanding to build on and a shared goal to work towards. It could be something like: “I’m happy to talk through how your child is going in their class and what support is in place” or “let’s talk about how we can work together to ensure your child is getting the support they need.”
My 3 Rs framework is not the be all and end all, and there are also other important aspects of difficult conversations like controlling emotions and understanding body language. However, feedback consistently shows that this simple and memorable model – regret, response, reassurance – is highly effective in de-escalating conversations when the stakes and emotions are high. Give it a go and see if it works for you.
Author: About the author
Pete Burdon has worked with hundreds of school leaders across New Zealand over the last 15 years. He helps school leaders master difficult conversations, handle tough media interviews, and communicate confidently in crises. You can learn more about Pete and his services at www.mediatrainingnz.co.nz