First encountered the saying ‘Snitches get stitches’ while working at a girls’ high school. In my experience it is a strategy employed by children and young people seeking to create a sense of personal power and group loyalty. When nobody is brave enough to challenge the belief that ‘snitches get stitches’ a culture of bullying and intimidation can flourish.
Last week in my current kura, I was talking with a group of Year 6 boys who had been delib erately targeting and intimidating children whom they perceived to be weak and subjecting them to intimidation both verbal and physical. I met with each tamaiti and their whānau, talked through the behaviour and explained why I considered this to be bullying. I offered mentoring support to each child, sought and gained the support of each whānau and made it clear that the pattern of behaviour must stop.
In my experience, the word bullying is overused in New Zealand – so when I use it I am clear about what I mean. This definition comes from Bullying Free New Zealand:
Whether bullying is physical, verbal, or social (relational), four widely-accepted factors can be used to identify it:
- Bullying is deliberate – harming another person intentionally
- Bullying involves a misuse of power in a relationship
- Bullying is usually not a one-off – it is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated over time
- Bullying involves behaviour that can cause harm – it is not a normal part of growing up.
Bullying can happen anywhere, in person or online (cyberbullying), at any time, and can be verbal, physical or social (relational). It can be obvious or hidden.1
The belief that ‘snitches get stitches’ is a powerful and damaging aspect of New Zealand culture. When talking to one of the boys Liam*, about the behaviour pattern – despite acknowledging that he no longer wanted to be part of this behaviour – when I suggested asking an adult for help if the intimidation was started again by someone else in the group, he said, ‘I can’t, me and my friends don’t snitch . . . ’
In a 2017 report Judge Becroft found there is a culture of ‘snitches get stitches’ among boys at youth justice facilities. Part of the problem was that young people were less likely to complain about serious issues like bullying or physical abuse from other young people or staff members because they were scared about the consequences, the report said.2
Since taking on my current Principal ship two years ago, I have worked hard to build a cul ture of speaking about safety and wellbeing. In every pōwhiri I ask, ‘He aha te mea nui o tāku tumuakitanga? Ko te haumaru.’ What is my number one job? The children will say, ‘To keep everyone safe.’
In hui with new tamariki and their whānau I tell them this; in conversations after someone has been hurt I reiterate this; in restora tive hui I emphasise this. As a result, the tamariki know safety is my number one priority.
One of the challenges my leadership team and I have worked on over the last two years has been to encourage children to ask for help when they can see that someone is disregulated. Helping children to regulate is a significant part of the work of our kaiako and kaiawhina – but it is the kids who first know when their friends are feeling frustrated and angry, they are first on the scene when someone is being hurt.
When old school behaviour is to stand in a circle and chant, ‘Fight, fight, fight . . . ’ and modern behaviour is to video fights and post on social media, how can we teach young people to seek help for themselves or their mates to de-escalate?
It has taken two years of work on this aspect of kura culture but we are seeing a shift. Last year we began to talk about being an upstander not a bystander and this year we have begun a deliberate strategy to recognise and praise those who come and tell an adult that someone needs help. In every assembly we give at least one certificate to someone who has been an upstander or asked for help because they could see someone struggling to regulate.
Creating a culture where tamariki can be sure that if they ask for help they will be heard by an adult who is regulated and will listen is crucial. There is no place in my school for adults who shout at kids – this takes a culture shift too. Behavioural change can be hard for adults who have been parented by adults who shout and have parented their own kids in this way. This means that my leadership team and I need to check on staff, if we hear raised adult voices we step into the situation asking how we can support. I have held staff hui to talk about de-escalation and self regulation, we have talked about how to manage ourselves if we feel triggered by something that happens in our school. When we furnished our staffroom, a small space that was intended as a meeting room has instead been set up as a quiet relaxation and regulation space for staff.
Developing trust amongst tamariki and their whānau takes time, but I know we are making progress. Last week, I got a 7.30am phone call from a Dad who I had met with because his son had been involved in the aforementioned intimidation and bullying behaviour. He called because his son had come home and told him that he had argued with another boy and they had made threats to each other about things that would happen at school the next day. He wanted to prevent that from happening. As a result we were able to talk to both boys separately about what had been said and why, and then sit with them to talk through a solution that did not involve a physical altercation. As a result trust was built and both boys were safe.
When Liam* told me he and his mates are not snitches, I told him that I am a snitch. I reminded him my number one job is keepings kids safe. I asked him to imagine he was being hit with a vacuum pole at home and his teacher had noticed he was covered in bruises. I asked him if I should ignore the fact he was being hurt or snitch on the family member who was hurting him so that everyone could get some help to have a safer home. He said he would want me to snitch. I suggested he think of snitching as being brave enough to trust someone to keep everyone safe. I can tell he is definitely thinking about it . . .
In, Changing the culture of narking, Dane Haskell of Taranaki Safe Families Trust says,
It’s as though there is some warped mentality of honour, prestige and glory about being tight lipped. The reality is it’s misguided, damaging and cowardly. It protects the perpetrators, ignores the victims and allows the insidious nature of family violence to thrive . . . We need to change the culture around reporting family violence and keeping people honest. A lot of family violence is perpetrated because abusers rely on people remaining silent. We need to change the meaning of what a nark is. It shouldn’t be seen as some one who can’t keep a nasty secret; it should be promoted as someone standing up to be the voice of others.3
I believe we need to talk about the harm caused by this ‘Snitches get stitches’ culture in our kura if we are ever going to change our appalling family harm statistics.
Notes
*Name has been changed.
1 https://bullyingfree.nz/about-bullying/what-is-bullying/#Defining
2 https://www.rnz.co.nz/news/national/330763/snitches-get-stitches-culture-in-youth-centres-report
3 https://www.taranakisafefamilies.org.nz/changing-the-culture-of-narking/